Billboard Music Awards: What the What?

Let me just start by saying I did NOT watch the Billboard Music Awards. I’ve never been a huge fan of music award shows (unless they’re honoring Beyonce). It’s not that I don’t like music, it’s just that it’s pretty much a guarantee who is going to win each award (except to maybe Kanye, who will then go on a crazy rant about it).

So no, I did not watch the Billboard Music Awards. I DID, however, look at what people were rocking on the red carpet. Look, I know it’s music and you’re all creative types or whatever but oh my god. First off – why was everyone wearing such sheer gowns? I’m no prude, and sheer can work REALLY well sometimes, but this night was not one of those times.

Honestly, I felt that people have been better dressed for the MTV Video Music Awards, and that show has featured people dressed like this:

Rose McGowan during her Marilyn Manson phase.

Rose McGowan during her Marilyn Manson phase.

And this:

Lil Kim at the 1999 MTV Video Music Awards.

Lil Kim at the 1999 MTV Video Music Awards.

Look, if you really want to dress so bad/slutty that you literally go down in history for it (I remember seeing both of these arrivals on the red carpet before I even had boobs myself), then more power to you. These outfits literally made me forget about Lil Kim’s stints in jail or the fact that Rose McGowan is now irrelevant.

Now, moving on to last night’s many disasters…

Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano, what were you thinking? Seriously. Hat tip to you for the kimono sleeves, I know the pain of trying to wear them too. But WHAT are those pants? If they were just going to be entirely sheer, why are you even wearing them? And why are they so flowy? This is all kinds of disaster, and it’s really unfortunate because I love your hair, makeup and earrings.

Jenny McCarthy.

Jenny McCarthy.

Jenny McCarthy, we get it. You have an awesome body. But honestly, I just IMDB’d you, and you’re 40 years old. This looks like an outfit that even Pamela Anderson would reject. Nothing says “I’m trying to be a cougar” or “I still miss Jim Carrey” like this outfit. It’s just so bad. The midriff/boob bearing tanktop, the torn up maxi skirt, the ANKLE BOOTS. And what’s with all the feather jewelry? Who are you, Sheryl Crow? Oh my god this outfit needs to burn in a fire.

Jennifer Morrison.

Jennifer Morrison.

Jennifer Morrison, I don’t even know who you are but here I am talking about you. If you wore this outfit to get noticed, bravo. I’m doing exactly what you wanted me to – talking about you. I can’t even understand this. Are you wearing pants? Is it a skirt? WHY ARE YOUR KNEES COVERED UP BUT YOUR CROTCH IS NOT. There are so many questions I have for you. Also, your hair/makeup says “Oscars” but your outfit says “AVN Awards.” That last thing is a porn awards show, no need to Google it (but I just had to).

Ke$ha.

Ke$ha.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by someone who has a dollar sign in their name, but Ke$ha put your ass away. Although I have to say – if it wasn’t for the huge ass (pun intended) slit, this would be the best Ke$ha has ever looked, so I’m really torn.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger.

Look Avril Lavigne and guy from Nickelback, I get you’re engaged and want to share your love with the world and everything, but being in love does NOT constitute his and her outfits. You are NO Britney and Justin. This looks like you’re going to a dominatrix prom. I know, I’m really feeling the leather trend too….but just no. Also, as an FYI – dressing alike with the same color hair KIND OF makes you look like brother and sister. So….rethink that.

UGH. Disasters all around. Thanks everyone, now I have to declare Taylor Swift as the best dressed. Happy now?

taylor-swift-290

 

Ugh, get it girl. You looked awesome. I’ll even overlook you wearing black shoes with a cobalt dress. You win.

What did YOU think of the Billboard Music Awards? Were you just as grossed out by this red (ugh – BLUE) carpet as I was? Discuss.

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