Prepare Thy FUPA: High-Waisted Jeans Are Gonna Be Huge

Every so often – I’d say maybe even a good five-year mark – the world of denim changes in a big way. I used to think flares were universally flattering (they aren’t). When I was in high school, Katie Holmes donned husband Tom Cruise’s jeans (which were capris on her) one day and suddenly “boyfriend jeans” were the MUST HAVE. Then came the ultra skinny jeans. I personally fought those for so long because I was super self-conscious of my thighs … until I realized that skinny jeans are an essential part of your wardrobe no matter what size you are – they just make you look like you have awesome curves (and a great butt!) Now it appears a new season is upon us: the year of the high-waisted jeans.

Now I know what you’re thinking when you see “high-waisted jeans”…

Buzzfeed Business recently talked with Susan Kellogg, the president of VF, which oversees 7 for All Mankind, Splendid and Ella Moss, and she said that high-waisted jeans were going to be the biggest trend this spring. I mean, these are already on the 7 for All Mankind site:

High Waist Ankle Skinny. $190.

High Waist Ankle Skinny. $190.

Perhaps even more alarming – if you’re not fully on board with this trend – is that Goldman Sachs (uh, the fashion-iest people I know) claim that this will be a style around for years to come because “they [high-waisted jeans] are becoming more prevalent in pop culture, being worn by the likes of Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus and the cast members of HBO’s iconoclastic series, Girls.

I have three things to say about this (in order they were addressed). Point 1) Taylor Swift has been dressing like she was 75 years old for YEARS now – in fact, she’s JUST starting to find her “sexy” side. So why is it that we care all of a sudden that she’s dressing like her ex-boyfriend’s grandmother? I present you with Exhibit A:

HAHA, remember when she dated a high schooler?

HAHA, remember when she dated a high schooler?

Point 2) I’m sorry – since when did we stop ragging on Miley and her hyper-sexualized image and instead declare her a fashion icon? Does this mean that next Trend Tuesday I have to wear flesh-colored spandex? Because I will only do that if Ryan Gosling is my Robin Thicke. You know what happens when you wear high-waisted jeans? Liam Hemsworth breaks up with you. Exhibit B:

I'll admit, she actually looks kind of badass here.

I’ll admit, she actually looks kind of badass here.

Point 3) Again, similar to the harsh criticism Miley receives for her sartorial choices, Lena Dunham gets it that much worse. When she’s not naked on Girls (so like – 10 minutes?), she’s wearing clothes that are INTENTIONALLY ill-fitting on her – it’s written in the script that way. So why are we suddenly considering this a trend to stick around? Exhibit C:

These were technically taken "on set."

These were technically taken “on set.”

Despite my protests, it seems like the fashion wheels are already turning, and the trend cannot be undone. Here are just a few examples of the jeans you’ll be seeing on the racks in the coming weeks:

AG Adriano Goldschmied. $132.

AG Adriano Goldschmied. $132.

J Brand. $180.

J Brand. $180.

Citizens of Humanity. $178.

Citizens of Humanity. $178.

Express. $80.

Express. $80.

Additionally, The Gloss points out that we shouldn’t cast stones – in fact, we should be EMBRACING these jeans. Their reasoning? For starters, muffin tops will officially be history, no one will have to know you’re wearing a lacy thong no matter how many times you bend over and you won’t have to worry about pulling your jeans over your stomach every time you sit down. Sounds like a pretty good deal until you get to this part:

“18. If you have a shorter torso, the tops of your jeans will provide a comfortable little shelf for the bottoms of your boobs.”

Wow, just what I’ve always wanted! To look like a grandfather. Guys, it’s bad enough J. Crew’s tights are SO tall on me that I can literally tuck my boobs until them (true story) – there’s no way I’m doing that with denim. So us short-torsoed girls may be SOL – I also can’t help but notice that none of these models have hips….so what are you supposed to do if you have curves?

I remain on the fence. As I mentioned with the whole having a short torso thing, it practically makes all jeans high-waisted on me anyways – do I really want to add to that? Are you convinced this is the “trend of spring?”

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